The diary of a doll

08 May, 2004
8:28 p.m.

Fake is not for me
Listening to: Malice Mizer: Aikai
Mood:

Have you ever cried because you thought you should? I mean, you're not sad, you're not angry, nothing, you just think you should cry. It is one of those times that you just should; it is almost like a duty.

I've been in that situation once in my life. I thought it was my duty to cry. Why? Right time, right circumstances. Funny to know that now I remember it as being truly sad in the end and crying my eyes out because I felt it was a duty. I felt guilty, pretending to have a feeling I didn't have. I was pretending to be really sad. I was pretending to cry real tears and only to make others satisfied. That is truly saddening, heart-breaking even. Not because of the crying itself but because you know you should be sad and you just aren't. The tears are coming out alright but you just don't feel it. Deep down inside you don't have a reason to cry really and if it wasn't because you are expected to cry you just wouldn't cry.

I have to admit I haven't felt like that in a while. I think I've only felt that once in my life. I never want to go through that experience again, it feels so wrong. It feels like you're lying, specially to yourself. When you look back you wonder what you were thinking, you wonder how you got that carried away, you wonder how you got yourself in that situation to begin with. Crying fake tears is too much for me. Pretending to be sad just ends up truly breaking my heart.

Kisses from your devilish diva; Disco Doll