The diary of a doll

28 April, 2004
10:26 p.m.

Self-destruction
Listening to: Jack off Jill: Fear of Dying
Mood:

I'm very happy to report I'm really high in google when it comes to naming breasts in different ways. Don't believe me? Just look here and here. I don't know if I should be ashamed, happy or just plainly embarrassed.

Moving onto another subject (before I blush too much); I'm going to write about my experience with self-destructive tendencies (sorry to any/all the horny mislead guys). Now I have talked before about my former obsession with weight and my fight with bulimia. Now when it came to being self-destructive I didn't stop there (again, that would be to easy don't you think?). I don't wish to really go deep into all I did back in the day. To begin with, few people really know about it. Plus I wouldn't really feel comfortable talking about that in here. I guess because I know what I did was wrong. Back then I knew it was wrong as well and I kept quiet about it. It's just something that I'm not dealing with anymore but I'm still not completely over it.

Indulging in self-destructive behavior is quite addictive and once you start with it it's really hard to stop or even control it. Like drugs, it is easy to fall back into your old habits unless you're pretty aware of them and have people that care and are aware of them as well. That's something very important, it is good that you tell the people that are the closest to you about this. I know it's not easy, I know it's not something to be proud of. It's not something that you necessarily want to go spreading around or that you say when you just introduced yourself. Still I think it is quite good for the people closest to you to know. Why? Because then they'll keep an eye on you. That they may never want to talk to you again after that? Well screw them. Then they don't value you as much as they should.

In my case, the people closest to me know what happened and accepted it much more easily than I thought. Of course I thought that they were going to explode like tiny human volcanoes and forbid me to ever look at them in the eye again but they didn't. They accepted it, they talked about it with me and then they just let it go. If I want to talk about it, they'll be there but if I don't then they just let me be. If you ask me that's the way it should be. Not everyone is that loving or understanding though, so be careful how you tell those things. Be careful who you open yourself to, some people love to use those things as a way to hurt you. If you're not mature enough, if you're not over that, someone using your own words to hurt you might harm you deeper than you think. Trust me, I learnt this the tough way.

I sometimes browse diaries here in dland and I have found a lot of kids out there that are hurting themselves. I honestly don't know if it is due to the way society is nowadays, if they were always there but now they have a forum to express themselves or if it really is the latest trend. I honestly doubt it is about trends but maybe it is because when I started I was the only one I knew that was doing the things I was doing back then. Maybe it would've been easier to know for sure that I was not alone that there was someone out there feeling the same way I was. Maybe it is better that I didn't know and that all by myself I took myself out of that hole. That one thing they say is very true though, you wont stop hurting yourself until you actually want to stop hurting yourself. No one can do it for you, not even a good psychologist.

Kisses from your devilish diva (who goes where no porn site has gone before); Disco Doll

Take the test, by Emily.

Pain/Pleasure