The diary of a doll

18 April, 2004
7:07 p.m.

Goth or not?
Listening to: Switchblade Symphony: Witches
Mood:

I have been asked previously how the hell I ended up being in the both subculture and why I stopped and got away from it. So instead of explaining each time I'll just ~~write~~ type it down.

I started paying attention to the goth subculture due to the fact that I tend to enjoy the creative side of it (translation for those who need it: the artsy fartsy stuff). I still love goth or goth-style music. I love the fact that at least with the people I got involved to begin with, art was such a fundamental thing. It was great to be encouraged to write, to explore myself, to try and see beauty in all things, even where many don't see it. I was exposed to people that used the subculture as a way to expose their art. It all began with N, a former boyfriend. He was mildly into the scene but at one point was a model for fetish wear and was a very creative man. He was a huge mess so I moved onto a guy we'll call Black (I think he would like that name actually). Now Black was one step further than Nick. He was even a bigger mess but he would write the most beautiful poetry I have seen in years. That's why we started talking actually, due to his poetry. With him I wrote more poems than I've ever written before. He was someone very special as well as someone quite dangerous. It's that person that you meet once in a lifetime and that shows you all the wonderful things and the most ugly ones in this world. A huge mess but still a very alluring mess. He is the one that got me fully into the scene and after we broke up I stayed in it. Most of the people I knew were writers, musicians, painters even one or two actors.

I saw the pretty side of goth if you may. Still, when you stay in the scene long enough you start seeing the not-so-pretty things. Many that I met afterwards were there to seek acceptance. They would see a beautiful poem and try making something similar where the meaning was lost and they talked more about killing their parents than about love. Poems were written with sticky caps and they couldn't even form complete words. They would talk endlessly about Korn but they couldn't admire a beautiful painting. They would try looking like they came right out of "The Crow" and ended up looking like panda bears... ugly panda bears. Then came the "Gothier than thou" attitude. It almost seemed like you needed to piss black ink in order to REALLY be goth. Going out to goth clubs and finding them quite boring because they were trying more to look gothier than the person next to them instead of just having fun and being themselves. Does it sound like too much? Well it is too much. You get tired of it, bored. You get to see all the cliches in the book and even more. I had it when someone said to one I know "Oohh but you can't be goth because you wear pink lipstick". I must say that I had not even noticed my friend wore pink lipstick. I thought she looked great, she was into fetish clothing and always managed to look impeccable (the bitch).

So I just got away from the scene. I got bored, fed up. I was never called a poser but many of my friends were. I was never that much into the scene though. I would get bored with the usual discrimination rather fast. Still I guess if you want to label me, goth would be adequate. I'm still slightly involved in the cultural side of the scene and probably will be for a good while. I still dress very much like the same old glitter goth and have some friends left within the scene. I just don't need all the other crap.

Kisses from your slightly jaded devilish diva; Disco Doll