The diary of a doll

11 April, 2004
11:49 p.m.

Easting disorders
Listening to: Jack off Jill: Angels fuck, devils kiss
Mood:

One thing before moving on to the actual entry. First off, thank you gergy boy for getting me Rambo's autograph. Is it ok if I call you gergy boy by the way? Or is Greg better?

Anyway, unto the entry. I was reminded of the eating disorder I battled with. Some who have been reading this for a longer while might have read one or two things about it since I don't really hide it.

The whole problem started with me not being able to deal with everything that was going on around me. That led me to start working out almost obsessively and to really cut down on my eating. I would barely eat and it came to a point where I was feeling hungry a lot of the time. One night I couldn't really take it anymore and we ordered a couple of pizzas. I ordered the big size at Dominoes and for the first time ever I finished it up. I had a pizza binge and I felt awful about it. I then had the great idea (note the sarcasm) to maybe throw up a bit so it wasn't that bad. You know, maybe if I threw up a bit I would feel better and I wouldn't get as big as an elephant (I was having issues... lots of them). So I threw up a bit (yeah right) and then went on doing my thing. I didn't do anything again until a couple of weeks later. I went into another binge (you do that sometimes if you barely eat) and I threw up again. It started like that, each time I did it more often and each time I would throw up more.

All of my problems were still there but the only thing I would really focus on was my weight. I was alone, I had a lot of responsibility, I had no one to talk to and things just kept going from bad to worse but I refused to see all that. I just kept on focusing on the fact that I was fat (which I wasn't). I was dealing with more than I ever had and I was in a new city with no friends and my father wasn't there and my mother was too sick to be there. Dealing with my weight was my escape.

After a while we moved again and my mother recuperated enough to see that something was wrong. She started noticing me loosing more and more weight as well as the fact that I would spend longer than needed in the bathroom. Then one day she figured it out, she knew what was going on and acted upon it. Her method was way beyond conventional and it was quite rough but it worked. I was able to stop throwing up rather quickly.

I noticed I wasn't alone and that gave me strength to start battling some of my demons. It didn't happen over-night and it wasn't easy. I had relapses more than once and every once in a while I still get the urge to throw up. Honestly it is very similar to being an addict. Every once in a while you get the urge but you have to learn to be stronger than that. I still have some demons and it's going to take a good while to be able to deal with them up. What happened made me realize that my problems weren't only the ones happening then. I had so many things bottled up inside that I had never dealt with. Maybe I should go to therapy some day since I had never done it but so far I'm doing this quite well. I have people that love me and that are there willing to talk if I need to.

I do have some weight issues some times still. I have a rather distorted image of myself and the standards I have for myself are probably too high to be realistic. Just that now instead of going all bonkers I make a reasonable amount of exercise and eat plenty but healthy. Yeah I think I look ok. What do you think?.

Kisses from you lets-hear-it-for-mood-swings devilish diva; Disco Doll

P.S. Before anyone says anything, yes I have a head!!!

Are you Addicted to the Internet?

61%

Hardcore Junkie (61% - 80%)
While you do get a bit of sleep every night and sometimes leave the house, you spend as much time as you can online. You usually have a browser, chat clients, server consoles, and your email on auto check open at all times. Phone? What's that? You plan your social events by contacting your friends online. Just be careful you don't get a repetitive wrist injury...

The Are you Addicted to the Internet? Quiz at Quiz Me!

Pain/Pleasure